just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
