TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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