Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize