I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
