My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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