dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
