....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Panties = found
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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