Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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