i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
