Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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