I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
