I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
