Pappa wants mamma naked
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think my moral compass just broke
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