I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
