Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
