I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
