I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize