Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
