You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
