After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize