you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We are all done wearing pants today
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
