i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
