In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
