I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
