Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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