Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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