he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
