You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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