If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
