I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
