Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
