I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The uberlube is also flammable
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Ladies don't puke and tell
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
