Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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