i jhust puked up my retainher.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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