i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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