I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
