sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
