It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
