he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Randomize
