Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
