flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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