So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
