shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
