Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
