You're my little dorito
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
