Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He kissed a someone with a penis
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
