I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
