i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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