So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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