you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
