I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
