I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
