You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
