hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
