Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I cut my penus on the lid.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
