dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
