I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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