I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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